Depending on how you look at it, I had either the very good or very bad fortune to attend an NBA game recently.
Good, in that even the worst professional sporting event trumps the most lyrical masterwork of western literature. Bad, in that this particular sporting event happened to feature the New York Knicks, my favorite NBA team.
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| You have to give Zeke and Marbury a hand; only they could ruin hoops in New York. (Getty Images) |
The collapse was dispiriting, but no more so than any number of incidents that have befallen this idjit franchise over the past five years. My team sucks. The joke's on me. I get this.
And then last week the Knicks took it to yet another level, courtesy of "mercurial" point guard Stephon Marbury deciding he didn't feel like playing.
Before he left the team, he issued the following threat, according to the New York Daily News: "I've got so much [naughty noun] on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can [vulgar verb] me. But I'll [same obscenely inappropriate verb] him first. You have no idea what I know."
Coming from a guy who gaily admitted to boinking an intern during the summer's sexual-harassment trial, in which the Knicks were found liable by a jury to the tune of $11 million, that's one hell of a warning. What can he possibly say to make matters worse? That Isiah hates eskimos? That Isiah gets his cable from Comcast?
In any event, during the ride home from the game, I started a-thinkin': Do the Knicks have any peers in terms of the sheer, unfettered misery they inflict upon their fans? I think they do.
Here, then, are the 10 Most Embarrassing Franchises In Sports, as judged by everything from on-field inadequacy to off-field oafishness:
10. Arizona Cardinals: In a league that recites "parity" like a mantra and has rigged the rules to ensure competitive balance, the Cardinals still can't win. Kudos, though, that they no longer ask their fans to fry on sizzling-hot aluminum bleachers anymore. And yes, I realize that I've just gently mocked the franchise that employs God's favorite quarterback, Kurt Warner, and now risk being smote by that same divine being. Do with me what Thy will.
9. Pittsburgh Pirates: Their last above-.500 season came in 1992, when a skinny young lad named Barry Bonds was zipping around the Steeltown basepaths and smiling happily for the cameras. They've lavished riches on Derek Bell and given up on Aramis Ramirez. They built a spectacular ballpark and populated its home dugout with quadruple-A dreck. But gee, the new GM seems to have some idea what he's doing, as witnessed by this most spontaneous answer in the history of mass media . Truth is, after the common-sense apocalypses that were the Cam Bonifay and Dave Littlefield eras, all Pirates fans really wanted to hear is that ERA will no longer be the determining factor in most baseball decisions.
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| At least now you can watch the bumbling Blackhawks on cable. (Getty Images) |
7. Boston Bruins: Whoa, two NHL teams making an appearance in a multi-sport feature? Truly, professional hockey is capturing the imagination of the American public in a way it hasn't since Gretzky married that crazy-gambler American Anthem chick. You know, the one with the big ... heart.
When I lived up in Boston, the Patriots were flirting with a move to Hartford and Red Sox Nation was more like Red Sox Borough or Red Sox Hamlet. In those low-key early-1990s years, Bruins fans were conducting a nightly waiting-for-Godot vigil on behalf of Cam Neely and his perpetually balky leg/hip. He was, by a wide margin, the biggest sports story in town.
Now, after years of benign neglect and penny-pinching butchery (like trading since-anointed MVP Joe Thornton for a bag of toques), the Bruins find themselves the fourth most popular hockey team in their home city, behind the Harvard, Boston College and Boston University squads. It's hard to pity stupid rich people, but the Jacobs family provokes just that reaction.
6. Texas Rangers: I'm not quite sure whether the Rangers are embarrassing or sad. On the "embarrassing" side of the ledger, we have the $65 million contract doled out to Chan Ho Park, dealing away Chris Young and Alfonso Soriano for a few spare parts, and owner Tom Hicks' I'm-trying-to-cover-my-ass accusations about Juan Gonzalez and steroid usage. On the "sad" side, we have the trades in which they ditched sublime performers Mark Teixeira and Alex Rodriguez, whose lofty salaries had to be shed to atone for other personnel missteps. It's close, but I'm going with embarrassing.
Now, a team like the Kansas City Royals -- they're a sad case, as much of one as you're likely to see outside a Sally Struthers infomercial. Pray for the souls of both their players and fans, and be sure to leave your gently worn jackets and overshirts in the Royals bin at the local Salvation Army depot.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves: Forget that they were caught attempting to circumvent the salary cap a few years back in order to secure the services of Joe Smith -- yes, Joe Smith -- and forget that they just dealt Kevin Garnett for 40 cents on the dollar. The team's real crime was failing to give much in the way of support to Garnett, the rare super-duper-mega-star who busts his ass every night, over the last decade. This is a class-action negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.
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| Don't all come and get your home-opener tickets at once, ya hear! (Larry Dobrow) |
3. University of Notre Dame football: Make no mistake: given their media and marketing wingspan, they're as much a franchise as any professional team. I'll give them this, though: they sure know how to make excuses. "Ty Willingham couldn't recruit," "Charlie Weis' blood-sugar level prevents him from installing a functional defensive scheme," etc.
2. Baltimore Orioles: Anybody who believes there are situations in sports that are simply impossible to screw up should take a gander at the way the Orioles have reduced themselves to a farce. You've got a city with a fine baseball tradition and the most glorious ballpark on the planet, and yet owner Peter Angelos can't help but huff and puff and blow away every capable baseball man in his employ. Bonus points go to Aubrey Huff for his charming characterization of Baltimore as a "horse[bleep] town" and stripper-painting exhibition on Bubba the Love Sponge's show this week. Can a guest-hosting stint on The Charlie Rose Show be far behind?
1. New York Knicks: The list had to end this way, obviously. So I'll ignore the obvious embarrassments -- the misguided signings, the trades for overpaid and overrated stars, the possibility of a "we won't touch your winkie!" disclaimer on back of every ticket in the wake of the sexual-harassment hijinks -- and point to a recent experience to illustrate just how far they've fallen.
There was a single booth at the ING New York City Marathon Expo two weeks ago that didn't have any visitors. The one for titanium-strength shoelaces had plenty of gawkers. The one for the Anchorage Pro-Am 10K Race and Celebrity Clam Bake had its share. The one touting the ready availability of Knicks tickets for the team's home opener, replete with videos and the promise of free T-shirts? Zilch. Nobody cared, and this in a town that worships, worships, worships its hoops.
That's what the Knicks have been reduced to: Looking for love in all the wrong places. Theirs is a richly deserved irrelevance.
Larry Dobrow is a freelance writer based in New York and Maxim Online's regular baseball columnist.
