It's only a matter of time before it happens. Someone is going to make a huge, big-budget movie out of the 2007 season of the New England Patriots.
The Patriots have everything Hollywood loves: drama, scandal, hunks, babes and videotapes. Or, as Tom Brady calls all of those things: Saturday night.
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| Are Gisele Bundchen and Sandra Bullock a good match? Don't pout. (Getty Images) |
This is my cast for the still untitled movie. It features Academy Award winners, Golden Globe nominees and big, badass budget superstars.
And Pete Prisco.
It's a low-budget film, OK?
The actors are ...
Tom Brady: portrayed by Keanu Reeves. Obvious choice. Played a QB in The Replacements and was pretty good. Plus, if he can play Neo, he can play Tom.
Gisele Bundchen: Sandra Bullock. Lips that pout on cue. (Various models in pursuit of Brady portray themselves.)
Randy Moss: Ice Cube. Might be a tad short but they could add some lifts in his cleats. Plus, Cube (Mr. Cube?) is familiar with the word "motherf-----."
Bill Belichick: Ian McShane. Plays the outlaw on the HBO show Deadwood. Would look good in a hoodie.
Bob Kraft: Michael Douglas. He gives a speech in the movie similar to the one he orated in Wall Street. 16-0 ... is good.
Scott Pioli: Al Pacino.
Commissioner Roger Goodell: Morgan Freeman. Twice he has portrayed God. Perfect.
Eric Mangini: Joe Pesci. Great rat face.
Busted Patriots' videographer: Christopher Walken. One of the all-time great movie bad guys.
Stereotypical sleazy player agent: Jeremy Piven.
Head of NFL Security: Harrison Ford.
Rodney Harrison: Wesley Snipes.
Wes Welker: Val Kilmer.
Richard Seymour: Michael Clarke Duncan.
Junior Seau: Chow Yun-Fat.
Tedy Bruschi: The Rock.
Donte Stallworth: Katt Williams.
Troy Brown: Sean Astin (with heavy makeup).
Matt Light: Gary Busey.
Jabar Gaffney: Jaleel White.
Adalius Thomas: Tim Russ.
Stephen Gostkowski: Sting.
Asante Samuel: Deion Sanders in his big-screen debut.
Offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels: Macaulay Culkin.
PR man Stacey James: John Cusack.
Key Patriots opponents: Tony Romo (Kevin Bacon), Ray Lewis (Forest Whitaker), Eli Manning (Sean Penn reprising his Fast Times at Ridgemont High role), Andy Reid (James Gandolfini) and Tom Coughlin (Danny Aiello).
Ed Hochuli: Hulk Hogan.
Portraying the President at the White House Rose Garden ceremony: Ed Harris.
Sports journalists playing themselves: Pete Prisco, Clark Judge, James Brown, John Clayton, Ron Borges, Mike Reiss, Peter King, Jay Glazer, Andrea Kremer, Mike Florio and Sean Salisbury minus his cell phone.
Sports editor of the Boston Globe: Michael Keaton.
Boston Herald beat writer: Halle Berry.
Obnoxious Pats fan: The guy in the cafeteria on those NFL Network commercials.
Obnoxious Jets fan: Steve Buscemi.
Director: Steven Spielberg. Used to doing massive epics and handling big egos.
Set location: Barren part of Australia (only place that could replicate Foxborough).
Soundtrack: Whitney Houston. If she's in rehab, Mary J. Blige.
So there it is. When the movie goes into production, I want credit.
